Twirling in a Circle
Growing up, I was a straight-A student and a passionate athlete who leaned on soccer to carry me through life’s troubles. I was a girl with a deep desire to be by the sea, living in a house surrounded by trees and a family that liked to stay home—where my only escape was a soccer ball and the quiet of the backyard forest.
Just as I was beginning to map out my path toward my dream of becoming an orca biologist, life took a turn. A final concussion ended not only my ability to play soccer, but also slowed my thoughts, my memory, and the way I processed the world. My identity crumbled, my dreams slipped through my fingers, and I spent the next ten years climbing out of the abyss of post-concussion syndrome. Ten years to rebuild. Ten years to rediscover myself.
Even now, memory and focus are daily battles. I’ve had to work harder than most to stay on track toward the life I want. But instead of being consumed by where I thought I “should” be, I learned to adapt. When I picked up my first camera, everything finally clicked. Instead of becoming an orca biologist, I poured myself into orca photography and volunteer work—finding new ways to connect with the ocean and its stories.
Now, I’m preparing to set foot in Antarctica with a team of the most intelligent, driven, and inspiring women I’ve ever met. Perhaps if life hadn’t led me down that treacherous road, I wouldn’t be standing where I am today. So if you’re going through something similar, I want you to know this: there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep chasing it.
This poem was born in two halves—the first written while I was lost in the depths of depression, and the second as I slowly began to find my way back into the light.
“Twirling in a circle;
emotions swirling into a whirlpool.
All different colors of a foggy rainbow;
star gazing out of a dirty window.
Brittle memories skip like broken records.
Heavy metal screams during this game of checkers.
Pawns are played with malicious precision;
nosey eyes stare with judgmental inquisition.
Tidal waves push her farther and farther from her mission;
“Crazy Girl” criticizes her every thought and decision.
Always 10 steps forward,
then 100 steps back.
No matter how hard she fights
darkness slips through the cracks.
Koo-Koo clock strikes midnight
its KOOs bellow through her brain.
The echo gets louder and louder until it drives her insane.
Icepicks through her temple she can’t stand the pain;
outbursts so regretful that her core fills with shame.
Thunder is roaring,
a storm’s closing in.
Down the rain comes pouring,
to wash out all her turmoil within.
Electricity’s blazing lightning ignites the sky;
energy is sparking trillions of electrons way up high.
Twirling in the puddles she let out a deep cry,
as thoughts became molecules vigorously colliding inside.
A bolt jolts her to pieces and in fragments she must lay,
until all the stormy weather and disarray runs astray.
But peering through the darkness the suns rays begin to gleam,
and suddenly the chaos isn’t as dreary as it seems.
With the warmth of the planets her form begins to take shape;
the roots stitch her back together as the breeze blows the worries from her plate.
The eagle’s melody lifts her spirit and fills her heart with cheer;
softly he whispers that she has nothing to fear.
As he soars through the clouds,
he sees all that breathes below.
He tells the girl, “To live in this beautiful world,
there’s a few things that you need to know.
For you cannot fix the broken memories;
you cannot turn back the hands of time.
You can’t make those immortal scars turn into bad dreams;
you simply cannot press rewind.
But what you can still choose to do,
is fall in love with who you are.
Fall in love with every memory,
and never let one spoil your heart.
Remember who you are inside and thrive on all that’s good;
don’t forget the ones who love you most even if you feel they should.
Because even on the foggy days the rainbows colors stick out bright,
And even through that dirty window so do those stars at night.
So no matter what life throws at you,
take it as a blessing.
All life's trials and tributes,
should be retained as a great lesson.
The circle may keep twirling;
emotions may never go in a straight line.
Your thoughts— they may keep whirling,
until the end of time.
But keep your chin held up real high,
because bad times they never last.
Focus on the suns rays instead,
and the storm it shall soon pass.”
~Jami Cantrell
